Its a different feeling, letting go of all your inhibitions. Its silly; you feel so out of place and foolish once you've done it, you feel like kicking yourself in the a*se, you feel like you have been exposed, robbed of all your private emotions and scattered them all around for everyone to see, feel, touch and comment on. You feel like a kid who has wet his bed, and couldn't hide it from his parents in the morning. Yet again, you have to do it sometimes. Because you want to feel robbed. Because you had to feel exposed. Its like a primeval sadomasochistic instinct to feel raped and looted of all your deepest desires, lurking in the forbidden corners of your mind.
Its even tougher when you know that you're mature enough not to do it, and you cannot justify that action by simply blaming it as a childish whim and naivety. You injure your confidence, your ego, your self-belief, your logic and your I-am-fine-Thank-you life. Maybe all things really cannot be put into that equation of life, where the R.H.S is a definite integral of fame, fortune and money over time. I feel lost and confused.
I guess I can see a light at the end of this tunnel. I can see the see the shadowy walls with green lichens pass by me in motion blur. I hope I can reach that light, eventually. Till then, it seems I will just have to read into the twisting shapes of the lichens.
They will tell the story of my life, one day.